The Struggle: self love and acceptance

I’ve been on this journey for a while.

Basically my whole life.

I’ve always struggled with how I look, I’ve had moments -periods of time- where I’ve hated myself so much, kinda ignored my own feelings about myself because it’s too painful to actually go down that rabbit hole.

It wasn’t until I went to university did I start watching plus sized YouTubers and start experimenting with my style. Slowly I started to really feel myself and enjoy wearing clothes. When I was a teen I would wear jeans and some tshirt or top. I never wore skirts or dresses execpt when I went on holiday to hot countries.

After watching these gorgeous women with bodies bigger than mine rocking these clothes : jeans, baggy tshirts, tight dresses, leggings, shorts etc.! I was slowly starting to feel more confident and that I was actually “allowed” to wear clothes like that.

“Allowed”, I know. I’ve never not been allowed to wear certain clothes but I always remember people making comments about strangers saying things like “Oooh she really shouldn’t be wearing that” just because it was tight or something. For the longest time I thought the same and adopted that on myself.

Bigger women shouldn’t wear shorts or skirts. Or clothes that shows off their big stomach, or bat wing arms, or double chin. As if we’re hiding the fact we’re fat?

How dumb is that?

It’s hot outside and I’m here sweating in a pair of jeans, a tshirt and a cardigan because I’m afraid people will see what…?

Once I started watching these women, and they showed me that YES, we can wear what we want and we can rock it my attitude towards myself started to change.

This has been a long and slow process, but I was doing well!
I mean I still wouldn’t wear shorter clothes to work – despite working in 40 degree weather. But I would go to the supermarket in shorts. Go out for drinks in a skirt. Maybe even a crop top combination? Ohh how different I was.

But all that progress can easily be destroyed by one comment. And it did.
Last summer someone close to me made a comment and I broke down, full on ugly crying and all the progress I had made…gone.

I felt like that 14 year old girl who hated herself

That’s the reason why its a self love journey. Journeys have ups and downs, twists and turns. Am I doing better since then? Yes, kinda. Am I close to being where I was before? again, kinda. Do I wish to exceed where I was? Hell yeah.

I always have to remember